What I'd really love for Valentine's Day...

Lisa at Catalyse Coaching
Feb 12, 2021
6 min read

A week till Feb 14th. Francois* is considering champagne and flowers. Then, a fleeting thought: “Maybe the gift we both want is to feel really loved, to not have the same rows over and over”.

"Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; an argument is an exchange of ignorance."

Robert Quillen

He knows they love each other. What he may not know, is the different views they have of love - different assumptions about relationships, maybe different love languages. If we understand how our brains have wired to see love, and that much of this is left over from childhood, it can help us enjoy our relationships more.

So today, here’s a love-challenge-gift for you and someone you love: build a deeper connection with them, by talking about your love needs, and theirs. Understand which orbit you’re each in, what different views you have of Planet Love, and you can reconcile these areas of difference. Hopefully some brain insights and mutual awareness will help you, your beloved and your relationship - all year round.

1. The different ways people perceive love and bonding

Attachment styles are our mental models about love and bonding (Bowlby, Ainsworth) . But, most of us probably don’t realise we’ve got one. Whilst we’re babies, our brains build assumptions about relationships from how our care-givers interact with us. So what? Trouble is, if we don’t stop and notice, we unthinkingly apply those baby-brain’s assumptions to our adult relationships.

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” Henry Winkler

Even if we recall a happy childhood, our autopilot may take a view that we’re not fully secure, that loved ones may not always be able to comfort us. About half of us are insecure in this way.

Maybe it's off-putting to think of yourself or loved ones in this group (it was for me) . Don’t let it be a stigma – insecurity is just an assumption, a potentially self-fulfilling mental strategy. Quite commonplace, but not a useful default once we're adults.

There are three main styles, which are perhaps easier to envisage as animal types: Secure (Hamsters), Insecure Avoidant (Cats) and Insecure Anxious (Dogs).

Ignore whether you prefer cats, dogs or hamsters. This analogy is about how our baby-brain assumes other people behave, and therefore what we crave and how we interact. For example, Cats might be typified as aloof, nervous, secretive. By comparison, Dogs can seem noisy, needy and excitable. And Hamsters look carefree, happy to cuddle or just jog the wheel alone.

"Most people are only as needy as their unmet needs." Dr Amir Levine

What makes Dog-Bonders tick:

We crave closeness, but worry about feeling left out or rejected. We can get a bit preoccupied with feeling loved, or might get clingy, jealous or act out. Maybe we got a bit connection-hungry because our parents showed us lots of love, but there were also patches of less sensitivity (see Coach’s note). So, we long for connection, even if it might sometimes feel overwhelming. We can’t always say what we need, but reassurance and touch help when we feel disconnected or stressed. Relationships are key for us, so we like physical attention, and talking about feelings. Cat-Bonders might find us a bit ‘full-on’ …..

What makes Cat-Bonders tick:

We worry about feeling trapped and bonding is a bit scary. We want to feel safe, but may not focus on finding this with other people. We may focus on work instead, to feel more in control, and it might seem we downplay relationships. Perhaps we got a bit independent because our parents weren’t particularly demonstrative or comfy with intimacy. It takes us time to register our own emotions, as we're often in our own heads, seeking order. We like to be self-reliant, although big crises might stun us. We find talking about feelings hard. When we're stressed, a bit of space helps, or talking about work. Dog-Bonders might find us a bit ‘aloof’ ….

"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them." Albert Einstein

Cat- and Dog-bonders might balance easily with secure Hamsters. But often we lean, magnet-like, towards an opposite. A Dog-Cat pairing is common but hard - after all, Cats crave self-reliance, Dogs connection.

Whichever pairings you might be in with various loved ones, it's easier if we build awareness.

2. Which attachment type am I? Which are you?

Maybe one of the Cat/Dog analogies already looks familiar for you, or your loved one. Maybe, get everyone relaxed, all be constructive, and play a loving game of Pin the Tail on the Animal…

Estimate where each of you sits, on two scales:

1. Vertical: How much do I seem to be Avoidant about relationships?

2. Horizontal: How much do I seem to be Anxious about relationships?

For a more detailed view, the quizzes here are more specific.

What now? Firstly, don’t be cross or embarrassed, none of the styles are bad or foolish. Next:

Tell your your loved one which bits of the dog/cat paragraphs resonate with you.
Ask and be open to the bits which resonate for them.
If you have the same row over and over, try to see which cat/dog needs are ‘looping’.
Talk about what your particular animal needs most, to feel loved and secure.
Try to find practical ways you can help each other feel more secure, eg:

OK, your dog-side needs to feel connected. Shall I always kiss you hello and cheerio?

Ok, you cat-side needs to feel self-reliant. Shall I always give you space after work?

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Rumi

So - turn off your autopilot, which still tends to look through that early lens of dependency. Awareness can help us approach our adult relationships differently – with a partner, we can say what we need to feel more secure, we can offer our partner what they need (even if it wouldn’t work for us) and we might all feel a bit more Hamster.

3. How else can we feel more loved?

"Learn a language and you’ll avoid a war." Proverb

Fiona* definitely speaks different love languages to her partner Sal, and best friend Pam. She'd rather have them to herself for a whole day, than any gift. Sal, in contrast, purrs if appreciated or praised. Pam loves getting shoulder massages.

Some insightful folks have suggested there are five Love Languages. :

Quality time
Words of affirmation
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch

You could rank these in your own order of preference, and have your partner do the same. Or take the quiz. Either way, learn yours, learn your partner’s.

How many ways can you think of, to love them in their preferred language?
Which ways would you like to be loved, and how can you ask for that?

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart." Nelson Mandela

4. Summing up

For many of us, our baby-brains came to expect loved ones to be a little inconsistent or not always there for comfort. But our adult brains can notice this pattern and adjust.

If we notice more specifically what it is that we crave, and we share and balance that with loved ones, we may all have a better chance of feeling loved in the ways we would like.

Coach’s note:

How can so many of us be insecure? It’s not just from the obvious (abuse, ‘bad’ parenting). Many everyday situations can cause babies to perceive others as an unreliable or inconsistent comfort. This isn’t a blame-game on parents, it's just a commonplace mental strategy. Consider how possible it is (or even probable), that some of these factors affected your parents:

Emotionally strained: anxiety, bereavement, post-natal or other depression, redundancy, major life stressors – or just parents not being very emotion-savvy themselves.
Physically strained: ill-health, ageing, pain, working far away or long hours, caring for others, depression, fatigue – or just parents not being very touchy-feely themselves.

From personal and client experience, I know it can be hard to face such patterns and adjust your thinking. I specialise in helping people gain insights about themselves and build better lives, so I'd be happy to help with this. Or ask if you'd like a referral to relationship specialist, who can help you do this together as a couple.

Parents reading - don’t fret. “Good Enough” parenting (Winnicott) is a loving balance: just enough physical and emotional connection that children feel they have a ‘safe base’ for comfort; and just enough ‘neglect’ to encourage them to explore the world and build self-reliance.

(*) Names changed to protect client identities and situations.